From My STAC Blog last night:
I would never call myself a normal girl. I was always a little different. A little left of center, A little more purple in the ocean. When I was little it never mattered. Mommy made all my plans. She picked out my clothes and taught me my manners. But most importantly she carved a path for me. It allowed for me to be in an environment in which she approved of and what she thought of as safe. For many years I allowed myself to be there. Placed in a world which kept me out of culture in a way. I knew nothing of what was happening around me. When my uncle almost died in 9/11 I knew nothing of the sort. Neither did I learn about my grandmother's cancer until after it was over, for then at least. That is just the beginning of the lies.
Something has happened this year. I've broken away from the boxed in world where I was kept. My mom seems like she will never forgive me for wanting to break away. I'm more hurt from all the lies and there being little truth in what I hear. I don't know what was worse: Living in a world where everything was fake unknowingly or living a life that you know is a lie.
Somewhere down deep I know my mother only was trying to help me. Although, I do not believe in her approach. She expects consistent perfection from me, maybe that's all parents but I feel as if I can never reach her standards. My mom's twin has a daughter my age and we are always competing both intentional and non-intentional. It's hard to live up to her, especially since my mom calls her the perfect daughter. Look what she did Megan, you could do that if you tried enough. Look she got this and that, why can't you do that too? I guess in a way, I'm jealous of the way my Mother looks at my cousin. I'm sure my cousin is the same way with myself and her mom.
My mother makes herself sound like the perfect daughter. Maybe she wants to set a good example for me and or maybe she actually was. More than this, I've found I put pressure on myself to become what my mother wants. Sure, being a good daughter is important to me, but what is even more important is being myself. There should be no need for me to lie to her to keep her off my tail.
Most of my problems come from my mother and that's why I always play older and mothering characters. Little by little my type cast makes more sense. It's one thing when you are told it and it is another when you discover it for yourself.
The problems that sprout from her are not only her fault. Even though sometimes I try to make myself believe that everything is her fault. That isn't right of me, it's not fair to her nor me. We never fight about the same thing all the time. But every fight we have is basically about the same thing. Almost like in a good scene, the characters will be talking about one thing when they are actually discussing something else. They are talking about something that they can talk about without actually saying the real problem. I am starting to figure out the real reason with my mother. The real reason we are fighting is not because I forgot to finish my homework, but that she does not trust that I can do something on my own and I don't trust her and respect her opinion. It seems as of now that my problem with her is based on trust and respect.
That is the reason I have a problem with trusting other people. It takes me a while to warm up to new people and especially when I know nobody at all. This is why when I go to college in about two years I hope to break away from the box even more. I know that my fear of trust will never fully go away but it can certainly shrink down and better managed.
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