Day 16: Apology

Yes, as a human I mess up.  Everyone does and everyone will, although the key to messing up is knowing that I have made a mistake.  I'm not perfect, and nor do I want to be.  I'm sorry to those who I have hurt.  Just because anything is UN-intentional doesn't make it less important.  An apology is something that is needed.  No apology on my part, would make what has been done even worse than it is.  I find it wrong to be telling others one thing and then doing the same type of thing in a different setting.  I've spent my life trying to reach around the double standard yet here I unintentionally creating one.  Despite contrary belief, I'm not out to kill the world.  I want to be well liked and I wish to find success in life and be respected well liked individual.

I've felt the weight of life on my shoulders but, that is not nor ever an excuse.  All teenagers mess up.  I already wish I could redo half my life and, I do not want to wish that I had been a better person.  Screwing up is apart of life, the key is to learn from those mistakes.

To all who should have gotten one, but didn't.

Thanks.

Day 15: Life

Life isn't something simple, it isn't something hard.  It's a something of nothing.  It's the party of empty and the insanity of nothing.  Contradictions are fun but I do have a point.  Life isn't something that is just handed to me, it's been given to me.  Anything that is thrown my way I know I can deal with.  Sometimes they are easy and sometimes I just want to run away.  Running away from life is like running away from the snow storm.  You may think running will help, but all it does it lead you right back to where you were.

Life's purpose is not to make me struggle, it is to see how far I can push myself to the road of accomplishment.  How many mountains I can climb, how many oceans I can cross etc...  Life is meant to be what I can get out of it.

Day 14: Self

Over the last few days I've been sucked into the world of spider solitaire.  Yes, this game teaches logic, reasoning, and patience but, how does this relate to the arts?

To be an artist one must have a sense of obsessiveness.  How can I expect to get a project done if I don't want to finish it?  The odds are it will not get done and even if it does it will not be done to the full potential.  The quality of obsessing can get me to accomplish a goal with a sense of determination.  There are two different types of finish.  One being the finish when I'm being hammered by someone.  And another where I am the hammer on myself.  When I have a sense of determination even the so called 'impossible' is possible and within my reach.  Yes obsessing can have its downfall, but self motivation through obsession is key.  Self motivation is what stands between myself and the mountain.  I can be lead up by someone, or I can lead myself up.  I am the one who gets to the top and I am the one who chooses when to go back, if to go back at all.

Maybe being the hammer of my life is the key to successes, maybe it isn't.  Figuring out what works is high school, heck that is life.  Life is only what it is made to be, nothing more and nothing less.

Day 13: Community

Contradictions.  Can the world be more confusing then Love Hate or Fire Ice.  Does that even make sense besides that I can recognize that the two contradict themselves.  This brings me to Derrida.  Community without Community.

Sure I can form myself into the 'Community' of people, aka the ones I work with.  But do I really becoming one with the community?  No, I never do.  Is there even a community?  Not exactly.  Yes, a group of people working together is a quote on quote community but is that even community?  The dictionary says the community is becoming one with others to achieve a common goal.  There is a sense of something while working in a group but I don't think it is a sense of community.  Actually, after reading a bit of Derrida, I think that community isn't exactly the right word.  If community isn't the right word, then what is?

Day 12: Life

Maybe it's just that I'm a stubborn person, but when my mind is set on something it has to get done.  This way of life is both positive and negative.

Sometimes it is necessary to fail, and sometimes it is imperative to achieve 'sucess'.  What exactly is that?  Doesn't it depend on the situation?  Success could mean world wide definition, but it could also mean a job well done.  I think that best success is the one that satisfies myself.  Sure my teachers and peers telling me a job well done feels great.  What really makes me feel good is when I know I have gotten to a point where I have achieved success.  Where I know I have done the best that I can with what I have.  I can't expect to be perfect.  While I can expect consistent effort and perseverance.

That's life for you.  Only I can define my successes and failures.

Day 11: The Temptations

Am I a leader or a follower?  This is the question many teenagers are asked by their superiors, but rarely does it come from themselves.  I wonder sometimes though, what am I?

I am both.  A good person should have a bit of both inside.  I have the ability to lead a group or in cases manipulate peoples opinions.  While I also have the ability to be the follower and let others manipulate me almost like a puppet.

The thing is realizing when I must be a leader and when I must be a follower.  Like many things this will take time to get into 'good decision making'.  This can also apply to what people might tell me.  They may say something about someone but in the end it is my decision if I will let them curve my opinions.  I've learned, in fact quiet recently, that I must make my own decisions.  I can't believe every little thing that I hear, and that I should judge for myself.  Whether it be the severity of a teacher or the evil iniquity of a human being.

Maybe I'm speaking out of terms but I feel everyone, including myself, should learn to resistant the temptation to believe everything you hear.

Day 10: War Films

Have I ever looked at the progress of film and why?  Probably not until today.  Today I looked over a bunch of war films.  It may not be the most normal thing for a teenage girl, but it worked.  I saw why directors and producers made certain choices.  For example, the choice to make a black and white film once black and white films were becoming a lot less popular.  The coloring made war look like a game, which made it look like more teenage boys and young men would be going of to war.  Also the discoloring stopped me from really seeing the blood.  Instead of it looking like real war, it almost looked like someone was squirting chocolate syrup from it's bottle.
The last one was very brutal.  Veterans from wars could not even bare to look at the film.  The main reason for this though was that the executives decided to use color and that they used first person point of view.  I didn't just see a bunch of men running to the enemy from above.  I saw a bunch of men running along side me as we charged the enemy, it really felt like I was there.  All though it was hard to watch, due to all the blood, I found it very educational.