Day 16: Apology

Yes, as a human I mess up.  Everyone does and everyone will, although the key to messing up is knowing that I have made a mistake.  I'm not perfect, and nor do I want to be.  I'm sorry to those who I have hurt.  Just because anything is UN-intentional doesn't make it less important.  An apology is something that is needed.  No apology on my part, would make what has been done even worse than it is.  I find it wrong to be telling others one thing and then doing the same type of thing in a different setting.  I've spent my life trying to reach around the double standard yet here I unintentionally creating one.  Despite contrary belief, I'm not out to kill the world.  I want to be well liked and I wish to find success in life and be respected well liked individual.

I've felt the weight of life on my shoulders but, that is not nor ever an excuse.  All teenagers mess up.  I already wish I could redo half my life and, I do not want to wish that I had been a better person.  Screwing up is apart of life, the key is to learn from those mistakes.

To all who should have gotten one, but didn't.

Thanks.

Day 15: Life

Life isn't something simple, it isn't something hard.  It's a something of nothing.  It's the party of empty and the insanity of nothing.  Contradictions are fun but I do have a point.  Life isn't something that is just handed to me, it's been given to me.  Anything that is thrown my way I know I can deal with.  Sometimes they are easy and sometimes I just want to run away.  Running away from life is like running away from the snow storm.  You may think running will help, but all it does it lead you right back to where you were.

Life's purpose is not to make me struggle, it is to see how far I can push myself to the road of accomplishment.  How many mountains I can climb, how many oceans I can cross etc...  Life is meant to be what I can get out of it.

Day 14: Self

Over the last few days I've been sucked into the world of spider solitaire.  Yes, this game teaches logic, reasoning, and patience but, how does this relate to the arts?

To be an artist one must have a sense of obsessiveness.  How can I expect to get a project done if I don't want to finish it?  The odds are it will not get done and even if it does it will not be done to the full potential.  The quality of obsessing can get me to accomplish a goal with a sense of determination.  There are two different types of finish.  One being the finish when I'm being hammered by someone.  And another where I am the hammer on myself.  When I have a sense of determination even the so called 'impossible' is possible and within my reach.  Yes obsessing can have its downfall, but self motivation through obsession is key.  Self motivation is what stands between myself and the mountain.  I can be lead up by someone, or I can lead myself up.  I am the one who gets to the top and I am the one who chooses when to go back, if to go back at all.

Maybe being the hammer of my life is the key to successes, maybe it isn't.  Figuring out what works is high school, heck that is life.  Life is only what it is made to be, nothing more and nothing less.

Day 13: Community

Contradictions.  Can the world be more confusing then Love Hate or Fire Ice.  Does that even make sense besides that I can recognize that the two contradict themselves.  This brings me to Derrida.  Community without Community.

Sure I can form myself into the 'Community' of people, aka the ones I work with.  But do I really becoming one with the community?  No, I never do.  Is there even a community?  Not exactly.  Yes, a group of people working together is a quote on quote community but is that even community?  The dictionary says the community is becoming one with others to achieve a common goal.  There is a sense of something while working in a group but I don't think it is a sense of community.  Actually, after reading a bit of Derrida, I think that community isn't exactly the right word.  If community isn't the right word, then what is?

Day 12: Life

Maybe it's just that I'm a stubborn person, but when my mind is set on something it has to get done.  This way of life is both positive and negative.

Sometimes it is necessary to fail, and sometimes it is imperative to achieve 'sucess'.  What exactly is that?  Doesn't it depend on the situation?  Success could mean world wide definition, but it could also mean a job well done.  I think that best success is the one that satisfies myself.  Sure my teachers and peers telling me a job well done feels great.  What really makes me feel good is when I know I have gotten to a point where I have achieved success.  Where I know I have done the best that I can with what I have.  I can't expect to be perfect.  While I can expect consistent effort and perseverance.

That's life for you.  Only I can define my successes and failures.

Day 11: The Temptations

Am I a leader or a follower?  This is the question many teenagers are asked by their superiors, but rarely does it come from themselves.  I wonder sometimes though, what am I?

I am both.  A good person should have a bit of both inside.  I have the ability to lead a group or in cases manipulate peoples opinions.  While I also have the ability to be the follower and let others manipulate me almost like a puppet.

The thing is realizing when I must be a leader and when I must be a follower.  Like many things this will take time to get into 'good decision making'.  This can also apply to what people might tell me.  They may say something about someone but in the end it is my decision if I will let them curve my opinions.  I've learned, in fact quiet recently, that I must make my own decisions.  I can't believe every little thing that I hear, and that I should judge for myself.  Whether it be the severity of a teacher or the evil iniquity of a human being.

Maybe I'm speaking out of terms but I feel everyone, including myself, should learn to resistant the temptation to believe everything you hear.

Day 10: War Films

Have I ever looked at the progress of film and why?  Probably not until today.  Today I looked over a bunch of war films.  It may not be the most normal thing for a teenage girl, but it worked.  I saw why directors and producers made certain choices.  For example, the choice to make a black and white film once black and white films were becoming a lot less popular.  The coloring made war look like a game, which made it look like more teenage boys and young men would be going of to war.  Also the discoloring stopped me from really seeing the blood.  Instead of it looking like real war, it almost looked like someone was squirting chocolate syrup from it's bottle.
The last one was very brutal.  Veterans from wars could not even bare to look at the film.  The main reason for this though was that the executives decided to use color and that they used first person point of view.  I didn't just see a bunch of men running to the enemy from above.  I saw a bunch of men running along side me as we charged the enemy, it really felt like I was there.  All though it was hard to watch, due to all the blood, I found it very educational.

Day 9: "Acting"

Is stick-ability a good thing to actually have while acting?

In what I though I knew in acting you almost have to becomes someone else to become a character.  I don't do that and I can't do that.  What I can do is show the emotions of which I feel.  I can't fake sneaky, love, hate etc because the audience can tell that it is fake.  There is no need to pretend to look for people when I can actually look for people.  Tricking the brain is a key to acting.

After going through Metamorphosis auditions I can see the improvements I've made.  I knew that there is no way for me to fake certain stuff so why should I fake it.  I've stepped up to bravery of reading those odd poems first.  Last year I couldn't even think about going first and now I can do it.  Maybe I have more confidence but the reason I think I was able to face my fear is because I have learned that I can face fear.  I know why I fear and that I just need to go on.

After class yesterday I was upset that I was crying during class and I couldn't get the feeling out of my head.  Luke told me why, and now it makes sense that stickiness is okay.  It is good to be so sticky.  I have made step one happen, and now I just need to keep on fooling my self and not pretend to look when I can actually look.

If fooling my brain is as easy as it seems I could use this technique else where.  Maybe if I want to lie.  Isn't the key to a good lie just to think that it isn't a lie.  Not sure if I'm exactly right here, but it all makes more sense day by day.

Maybe this is similar to yesterday's post, but it all makes more sense now then it did then.

Day 8: Gullibility

After my now weekly acting lesson's I have learned many valuable lessons.  The first and most important one is listen to the clues I am given.  There is no way for me to act France 1957, and there is no way or reason to act that way.  Since the audience was told that it is France 1957 they believe that, and they will until they are told otherwise.

I need to unlearn some of my middle school acting and begin work on my new style of acting.  I can't act like a captain giving orders to my general, but I can get mad at my general in my mind, so it seems like I am acting.  The main thing in acting is learning how to fool my mind.  I can fool myself into believing a dream is real unconsciously, so my mind is rather gullible.  I just need to learn how to gulliblize my mind.

Day 7: Dadaism

Apart of the Actual?  Sure this phrase is a artistic phrase, but what else is the meaning besides atheistic.

Apart of the actual is something that is looked for in Dada, which was the change in art after WW2.  I knew that world wars were life changing, and looking at a artist's view I can sorta feel what they felt.  One of the most unknown-well know (unknown for dada, but a known performer) Lady Gaga.  While looking at her latest video You and I, I was able to find the dadaism in her work.  I was also able to trace dadaism to Lady Gaga and beyond.  For example:
Dada -> New York ->  Theater -> NYU -> Lady Gaga etc...

Dada is relevant to art in this time not only because the time of dadaism is now but, all art needs an explanation.  I am always wondering why, and I have found you need to support any artwork or opinions that I put out into the world.  I may be right/wrong or some artistic purgatory, but as long as I explain my reason I can never be questioned or thought of as wrong.

Day 6: Unconscious Conscious Thinking

Unconscious Conscious Thinking

Does that statement even make sense?  How does one unconsciously think while conscious?  Although it is highly confusing and similar to Derrida's chapter of community without community, this statement does make sense.

Unconscious thinking has told me many things.  One of the best examples of this is in dreams.  Although unrealistic sometimes, my dreams told me much that I 'knew' but it was more of a hazy knowing, almost unknowing and making the knowing clear.  Does that make any sense?

While on writing on the wall I feel as if I reached a state of unconscious thinking.  I was no longer 'using' my brain like I would in science.  I reached a state of mind where I could use my brain in an art sense.  My brain was working so quickly that I wasn't questioning or analyzing what was happening.  I let whatever happened happen and I didn't want nor try to stop it.

Uncovering the unconscious brain is something else entirely.  For example, over the summer I kept on having this dream that I was falling with no end.  Although I didn't know it until I looked it up, my brain was telling that I was overwhelmed.  Looking back at it, over the summer I lost control of life, and this was what my dream told me.  Maybe I should learn to pay more attention to my dreams, because it can really help me sometimes.

Day 5: Startreck

        I just spent the morning at my brother’s soccer game.  Unlike everyone else there who is screaming at the players and coaches, my head was buried into From Bauhaus to Our House, Tom Wolfe.   During half time the coaches had a full on brawl because each coach thought that the other team was playing unfairly.  This reminded me of the STARTRECK episode that I saw on the first day of school, and it got me thinking.  

Luke, my STAC teacher, told us that the lead startreck actor thought that his one-sex community love interest should have been a male.  I disagree completely.  Society is accustomed to the male and female relationship, so almost unknowingly the quote on quote ‘normal’ human brain wants the two to be together.  The female perspective made it that I wanted them to be together which made me disappointed when it didn’t work out.  If the actor playing the one-sex race was male it would have put a different spin on the episode.  To most people see two men together, especially in the 1970’s when this episode premiered, was not looked at kindly.  Then when the ‘man’ was getting cured I would think of it as okay, and that would make the episode anti-homosexual.

Everyone has their own mind set.  The only way my mind set is wrong is if I do not protect it.

Day 4: Writing

I've been trying to figure out the difference between writing and writing.  One might think that they are both the same thing, but they are not.  There are two types of writing which are trying to be and actually being.  What exactly is this?

Trying to be is the type of writing which I try to avoid.  This usually is when I am really trying to write and knowingly forcing intelligence.  This isn't something that is well liked in writing because usually it means that it is fake.  Like many others, myself included, have been guilty of going to thesaurus.com and changing words to sound intelligent.  Since the words are computer generated my writing turns into something that computer has written instead of being something that I have written.  Forcing intelligence can also sorta have a show-off feel to it.  Nobody wants to listen to a show-off, so why would I wish to read something like that?  I wouldn't.

Actually being writing takes time to achieve and has the intelligence that comes through naturally and with fluidity.  In art, I've found it imperative to be able to write.  Writing is involved in art whether it be writing novels or writing a quick summary of my work.  Actually being writing can be enjoyed and it is like a voice coming from beyond sometimes.  To truly know the meaning of actually being writing I must see it and actually write it.  Actually being writing is something that I wish to obtain over the year and keep consistent.

Day 3: Practice

"Anything is achievable in five year's" Luke stated.  The more I think about it the more truth in which I find from this.  I did a small scale version of this over the summer.  Since it was the summer it was only about three months long.  Anyway, I decided that I needed to improve my drawing skill's.  I've never been much an artist and, over the previous year I have tried to reverse my thinking.  I was inspired by Jessica's daily practice and I decided if she could make that much of an improvement so could I.

I wasn't looking for some over night miracle but, I knew that over time my drawings would improve.  I spent about an hour a day drawing.  At first my drawings were ill proportioned and awkward, but then after about two weeks I saw a defined difference in my work.  Maybe it was all the bold optimism, but what helped me the most was the practice.

Practice makes everything better.  How do you get better at music, portraits, photography, etc... Practice.  Everyone expects immediate perfection, but I have learned this is not possible.  Maybe this is just humans in general, everyone wants something now and they don't want to wait.

Talent is luck, and I am thankful.  To become the best that I can be practice is key to success.

Day 2-B: Nakedness

No I am not talking about going streaking in the dark or skinny dipping.  What I am actually talking about is honesty.  In my last blog post I feel as if I was in a metaphoric sense nakedness.  I didn't hide my feelings and I only stated truth.  Why should anyone care to read this blog if there is no truth to it?  I got many emails, texts and blog comments saying that  it was good that I made myself so vulnerable.  I didn't think that I actually did that until I reread my blog after seeing the comments.  They were right, and I was happy that they were telling me what they saw.

At the beginning of last year I completely hated blogging.  I felt as if what I was doing wasn't important and it was not important enough.  I was writing the blog for Luke and not for myself.  Over the summer I blogged sometimes and I did that for me and not for anyone else.  With a blog I feel as if I can do anything I want.  I can scream, yell, and be angry.  While I can also be sympathetic, vulnerable, honest, etc...  Blogging gives me my own voice.  I feel as if I am telling someone something even if nobody actually sees it.  I almost think of it in a therapeutic sense.  I've figured out different things about why I am? And why I fear?

I was thinking about this yesterday, but I felt odd posting this right after one extremely long and heavy duty post.  For all you wondering, I didn't actually write that post last night, I've had it saved for weeks as a draft.  Fear kept me from posting it before, and last night I wondered why I had so much fear?  Was it really that it was so personal or was it more that I was afraid of what people might think about it.  I feel relieved in a sense that I posted it, almost like I was being heard for the first time in a organic sense.  That post itself is one of the reason why I have learned to love blogging.  I can discover what ever I want, when I want, where I want and most importantly how I want.  If I really didn't like something I would say so.  Like Luke, my teacher, has been saying you are only wrong if you don't explain why.  Sure maybe you think I am wrong, but if I back myself up you have nothing to complain about.

Day 2-A: Why Type Cast

From My STAC Blog last night:


I would never call myself a normal girl.  I was always a little different.  A little left of center, A little more purple in the ocean.  When I was little it never mattered.  Mommy made all my plans.  She picked out my clothes and taught me my manners.  But most importantly she carved a path for me.  It allowed for me to be in an environment in which she approved of and  what she thought of as safe.  For many years I allowed myself to be there.  Placed in a world which kept me out of culture in a way.  I knew nothing of what was happening around me.  When my uncle almost died in 9/11 I knew nothing of the sort.  Neither did I learn about my grandmother's cancer until after it was over, for then at least.  That is just the beginning of the lies.

Something has happened this year.  I've broken away from the boxed in world where I was kept.  My mom seems like she will never forgive me for wanting to break away.  I'm more hurt from all the lies and there being little truth in what I hear.  I don't know what was worse:  Living in a world where everything was fake unknowingly or living a life that you know is a lie.

Somewhere down deep I know my mother only was trying to help me.  Although, I do not believe in her approach.  She expects consistent perfection from me, maybe that's all parents but I feel as if I can never reach her standards.  My mom's twin has a daughter my age and we are always competing both intentional and non-intentional.  It's hard to live up to her, especially since my mom calls her the perfect daughter.  Look what she did Megan, you could do that if you tried enough.  Look she got this and that, why can't you do that too?  I guess in a way, I'm jealous of the way my Mother looks at my cousin.  I'm sure my cousin is the same way with myself and her mom.

My mother makes herself sound like the perfect daughter.  Maybe she wants to set a good example for me and or maybe she actually was.  More than this, I've found I put pressure on myself to become what my mother wants.  Sure, being a good daughter is important to me, but what is even more important is being myself.  There should be no need for me to lie to her to keep her off my tail.

Most of my problems come from my mother and that's why I always play older and mothering characters.  Little by little my type cast makes more sense.  It's one thing when you are told it and it is another when you discover it for yourself.

The problems that sprout from her are not only her fault.  Even though sometimes I try to make myself believe that everything is her fault.  That isn't right of me, it's not fair to her nor me.  We never fight about the same thing all the time.  But every fight we have is basically about the same thing.  Almost like in a good scene, the characters will be talking about one thing when they are actually discussing something else.  They are talking about something that they can talk about without actually saying the real problem.  I am starting to figure out the real reason with my mother.  The real reason we are fighting is not because I forgot to finish my homework, but that she does not trust that I can do something on my own and I don't trust her and respect her opinion.  It seems as of now that my problem with her is based on trust and respect.

That is the reason I have a problem with trusting other people.  It takes me a while to warm up to new people and especially when I know nobody at all.  This is why when I go to college in about two years I hope to break away from the box even more.  I know that my fear of trust will never fully go away but it can certainly shrink down and better managed.

Day 1: Saying I Love You

Maybe it's my lack of experience, but I have trouble saying I love you.  People throw those words around so generally and they expect me to be the same way.  I am not the same way because to me saying something like that is important.  I don't see a need to lie about something like love.  I am only a 16 year old girl, do I really know what love is?  what life is?  I'm still trying to figure out if I'm in love, like, lust or a combination of the three.

Maybe it's me or does saying I love you feel more impersonal when said on a text.  Technology is an amazing thing, but a text can be edited many times to be right.  When you are actually face to face with someone, you only have one shot.  That's the way it is with art also.  Once over the summer I was doing portrait the girl from Easy A and I had just finished her face.  At that point I was never much of a drawing artist, but over the summer I vowed that I would improve.  Now all I had left to do was her hair and I was freaked out that I would mess up.  One wrong move and it could very well be ruined beyond repair.  I approached the sketch book in bold optimism and drew.  It ended up not being half bad.  It wasn't perfect and I wasn't looking for perfection.

As an artist I create what I feel.  I don't pull from what others feel, but what is going on inside of me.  If I am crazed my work is also, same thing goes for stress and most importantly feelings.  If I was in a great mood I would most likely not do a red spatter paint.  If looking at a painting like that, wouldn't you think I was in some type of pain when it was created.  Whether it be physical and or emotional.